she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
