Please, let me fuck your mom
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
