Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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