apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
