Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
