some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize