thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
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