I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
