i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
