Got a toothbrush?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I had to cum in my sink.
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