My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
