I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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