Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
