How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
