Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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