This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
