life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
