Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
