I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
