he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
