so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
