Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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