Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize