In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
