I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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