I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
