My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Let's get the cat blown out
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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