I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
