Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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