Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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