Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
