Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
