So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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