I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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