Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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