I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
