Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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