I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
