...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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