Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
