I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
don't judge my taste in strippers
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
