the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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