i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
