nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
