i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
