The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
