How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
