Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
