you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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