a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
