Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
