I cockslap morals
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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