She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
