I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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