So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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