My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
